DeWayne is the busiest man I know. He always has places to go, people to see, things to do. I love and know the guy quite well too. His busyness is motivated by his need to feel needed. Because when he feels needed he feels loved. Unfortunately, his need to be needed causes him to give too much. Too much time, too much money and too much work doing things that others should be doing for themselves.
Please don’t get me wrong; I believe that we should help family and friends when they need help. But not if they are taking advantage of that help and not at the cost of your own needs.
DeWayne is doing the right things, but for the wrong reason. He’s doing all of these things to make himself feel that he is worth something to someone, anyone. You see, DeWayne doesn’t believe that people would want him in their lives just because he is a great man. Because deep down, DeWayne doesn’t believe he is a great man. He’s only as good as his “next big thing” he’s going to do for you.
An unhealthy identity causes men to get caught the loop of unhealthy activity. Be mindful of this quote:
What you believe affects how you think. How you think affects how you feel.
How you feel affects how you behave. Your behavior becomes your reputation.
And what people believe about you.
If you believe you are broken, and somehow less worthy, you will spend the rest of your life working to “earn” love or respect of others. However, if you don’t love and respect yourself first and foremost, the love and respect of others become a moving target. You’ll work day trying to “please” them, but never getting what you desire the most in return. To be loved for who you are, not for what you do.
So how do you get off this treadmill? By forging and restoring what it means to be a healthy man based upon your beliefs. By seeing the way, a healthy man is supposed to see and treat himself.
Here are some examples of how a healthy man believes, sees, and treats himself:
- Believe that you are unique and valuable. There never has, and never will be, another man like you. Your unique blend of character, talents, personality, humor, and wisdom are what makes you, uniquely you.
- Believe in the man you can be. When you stop believing, thinking and treating yourself so badly, you free yourself to become the man you’ve always wanted to be but never knew just how
- Believe that you can change and stay the course no matter how long it takes. Be enthusiastic and realistic about your restoration process. Healthy men are life-long learners and never stop growing.
- Believe that there are healthy men who will help you with your restoration. Men, who are experienced mentors and life coaches in every area of your life, be it intellectual, emotional/relational, physical, and spiritual. There are men who will come along side you, willing and able to help you
- Believe that as you change the way you see yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and actions will change too. You begin to do the right things, the right way, at the right time, for the right reason
- Believe that you are worth all of this time and effort. The man you strive to will be a far greater friend, husband, father, son, and man than the man you are today.
Be mindful that a healthy identity generates healthy activity. Without a rock solid belief in yourself, you will spend a lifetime busy with activities that generate no progress. Much like putting a sports car up on blocks then stepping on the gas. The engine will roar, the wheels will spin, but you’ll get nowhere.
Only when we begin to see ourselves in a healthier light will we be able to see our potential and grow to become the great men that we are capable of being. One way to begin seeing yourself in a healthier light is to take a “Healthy Identity Inventory.”
Healthy Identity Inventory: Answer the following questions in as much detail as possible. The discuss this with a good friend and mentor. Ask for their input and recommendations for ways to grow and nurture a healthier identity;
Healthy Identity Inventory
- What do your beliefs teach you regarding your identity?
- Which 5 of your healthy character traits/virtues are you most proud of and why?
- List the family members or friends who look up to you or come to you for guidance.
- Who in your life knows that if or when they need help, they’ll call you first?
- What was the most giving or unselfish thing you did for someone in 2019?
- List the skill sets, talents, interests or abilities that you have. How can you make better use of or improve them in 2020?
- Whom in your life do you admire or look up to? Why? Do they know how much you admire and appreciate them for being in your life?
- What audacious goal or dream do you hope to accomplish in your lifetime? What can you do in 2020 that will help you work toward this dream?
I hope that you’re beginning to get the idea. Changing what you believe about yourself, changes how you see yourself and changes the way you treat yourself. It changes the way you treat others and how you allow others to treat you. This kind of change is truly trans-formative, but it will take time, consistent effort, and patience, but well worth the effort. Forging and restoring the healthy man within you will transform you intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Be reminded that it’s a process, not a quick fix.
In upcoming resources, I’ll continue to coach you through this forging and restoring process. But remember it’s going to take a lot of work, but well worth it.
If today’s blog was encouraging to you, take sure you sign up to receive blogs every Tuesday and Thursday. TransformingFamilies.org was created to enable you to discover and develop authentic, healthy intimacy in all your relationships.
FYI: I also provide one-on-one coaching, if you would like to improve your relationships, or you want someone to talk to, e-mail me at ‘firstname.lastname@example.org’, and we’ll schedule a time to connect. My hope for you is that through these blogs, references, and resources, God will transform you from being bruised or broken to an abundantly blessed man.