Trust: Foundation for a healthy relationship?

Out of curiosity, I did a Google search of the top 10 most searched topics regarding marriage and relationships. Although the questions varied, most had to do with trust issues, how to save a relationship, or how to get out of one.

Here’s the list:

1. How can I make a long-distance relationships work?

2. How do I change my relationship status on Facebook?

3. How do I build trust in a relationship?

4. What is a poly relationship?

5. How can I save my relationship?

6. What is an open relationship?

7. How do I get over a relationship breakup?

8. How do I get out of a toxic relationship?

9. How to know when my relationship is over?

10. What does a healthy relationship look like?

During 46 years of marriage, we have had to ask what is most important to our healing and thriving as a couple. We found trust to be one of the most important building blocks. But the problem was, we defined trust differently. I wonder if those who are Googling these questions about relationships had experienced some form of broken trust, and they were either looking for encouragement and advice to stay, or support for their decision to quit.

So, what are the components of trust in a serious relationship or a marriage? Authors and theologians, psychologist and philosophers have written on the topic of trust for generations, but here are the things we found to be pivotal in rebuilding trust in our marriage at times when our trust was broken. I wish we had a list like this when we first got married and were able to have an honest discussion about what trust means to each of us. It may have saved us years of tears.

Ask yourself if these statements are true of you:

• I am a safe person for others to share their feeling with.

• I am not judgmental.

• I am positive and quick to give the benefit of the doubt, rather than assuming the negative.

• I choose courage over comfort in my willingness to change.

• I respect boundaries and limits.

• I can say “no” and accept “no” from others.

• I do what I say I will do.

• I respect confidentiality.

• I take accountability for my own behavior.

• I make amends when needed.

When you read this list there may be some statements you never thought of because we often narrowly define trust as simply being honest. Honesty is certainly a virtue, but trust involves so much more. Learning to trust, and be trustworthy, is a learning process for everyone. When we began to apply these principles of trust, our relationship slowly grew in a healthy direction.

How are you doing with the list above? You can’t change someone else, but for a relationship to thrive, it takes two people working on their own growth. As you grow in the area of trust, you may need to explore your own history of trust, and when trust has been broken in your past. I know you’ve heard, “trust takes time to build, but can be quickly broken.” If you have a history of broken trust in your past, don’t let that keep you immobilized in suspicion, doubt and fear. Take the courageous steps to rebuild trust and become a person who is worthy of trust.

This blog is an excerpt from Hope After Hurt

Available Now!

Hope After Hurt

By Roxanne & Rob Maroney

In Hope after Hurt, Roxanne and Rob reveal not only how their marriage was rescued from becoming another casualty but how they were set on the path to creating something entirely new. Opening up about secrecy, lies, broken trust, loss of connection, and damaged intimacy, this is not just a story of two flawed people and their need for repair but also an honest account of more than forty years of healing using practical tools for greater connection and intimacy in marriage. Hope after Hurt offers real-life examples and a roadmap to healthier relationships for all couples.

Whether single, dating or married, this book will transform your relationship. If you struggle to find hope, read Hope after Hurt before you do anything else.