Surrender

What comes to mind when you hear the word “surrender”? Most familiar definitions offer something like this: stop resisting to an enemy and submit to their authority; capitulate; give up; yield; concede; defer; acquiesce; back down; cave in; relent; succumb; quit; crumble; be beaten; be overcome; be overwhelmed; lay down your weapons; raise the white flag; throw in the towel; accept defeat.

Wow … that’s an exhausting list! Does surrender conjure up images of someone being beaten? Do you think of a military action where defeated troops raise the white flag, lay down their arms and surrender to the victor?

Often surrender is often viewed in light of a conflict … a conquest … where there is a winner and a loser. However, I’m learning that true surrender isn’t a response to defeat; instead, it’s a response to love. Looking at it this way, surrender is not giving up, but instead it’s giving in.

Writing about surrender, Paul Tripp says “… it’s abandoning your place in the center of your world and daily surrendering that place to God alone as an act of heartfelt worship … it’s a radical act of worship that reminds you of who you are, who God is, and what life is all about.”

Tripp continues to offer these insights:

• Surrender is giving in to the reality that there is someone more ultimate than me. I surrender to the opening words of the bible … “In the beginning, God …”
• Surrender is giving in to the reality that life isn’t just about me. I let go of personal autonomy and give in to the will and wisdom of God.
• Surrender is giving in to the reality that I need help. I am humbly reminded that I am not entirely independent and self-sufficient. I wasn’t created to do life on my own.
• Surrender is giving in to the reality that there is wisdom greater than mine. I am confronted with the fact that I am not as smart as I tend to think I am. There is much that I don’t know, and life is not found in my limited understanding.
• Surrender is bowing my knee to the reality that I don’t have any natural right to live simply as I choose and to do what I want with my life. I have been created to live inside God’s boundaries (this can be a tough one!).
• Surrender is giving in to the reality that there is no hope in life and death that does not result from the grace of God. I place all my hopes in Him.

 

The idea of surrender meaning “giving up” or “being defeated” is familiar programming in our society. But something inside us rejects the thought of giving up. It’s a powerless feeling. And what if there’s wisdom in surrender, and it’s not a sign of defeat?

While on vacation a few years ago, my wife (Roxanne) witnessed the rescue of a dolphin caught in a tangle of fishing line and weights. Without the help of others, this beautiful creature would likely have died. Fighting to the point of exhaustion this struggling dolphin was only thinking of escape and relief, and was doing his best to break free. He did not have the strength or resources to free himself and the struggle was just making the situation worse. It was only when the dolphin finally surrendered to a team of caring people and stopped struggling they were able to slowly cut the lines, allowing him to once again swim freely in the blue water without the encumbrance and entanglement of the fishing lines and weights.

Now, I realize you may not feel like a dolphin tangled in fishing lines, but there may be some similarities. You might say the dolphin had no choice but to surrender, and I certainly don’t know what goes on in a dolphin’s brain, but he could have continued resisting instead of relaxing and surrendering to the help. Surrender and giving up are two different concepts. Giving up says, “What’s the use?” Surrender says, “There is hope in a better way.” Giving up says “I can’t.” Surrender says, “I can’t, but God can.” Giving up is often expressed in anger and resistance. Surrender is expressed in love and humility.

Surrender can mean giving up one’s will and submitting to the influence of a higher power. It can also mean trusting God, even when I don’t understand what’s happening. Surrender does not have to be a sign of weakness; it can a courageous act of trust and obedience.

Reflect again on Paul Tripp’s thoughts and remember …

• There is an ultimate authority greater than me.
• Life isn’t just about me.
• I need help.
• There is wisdom greater than mine.
• I can’t simply live as I choose.
• I place all my hope in God.

 

Think about shifting your perspective on this. Rather than giving up to something external, or an outside force that overtakes you, think of surrender as giving in to the God of the universe who lives inside you, and loves you. Rather than seeking relief, consider seeking release.

Seeking release instead of relief does not come easily. German teacher and author, Eckhart Tolle, said “Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing.”

Even though God is still often a mystery to me, and I’ve bitterly complained when I think I know best what should happen and when, I’ve seen over and over again, his way is better than mine. Placing my trust in the only source of full knowledge and wisdom rather than my limited understanding is not blind trust, it’s an act of surrender. When my intentional practice is to surrender to God and listen for his guidance, I am more at peace with myself and those around me, even when there are disappointments.

In our book, Hope After Hurt, Roxanne and I discuss our journey toward understanding more about what surrender looks like. We are both seeing the profound wisdom in letting go of things we thought we needed to understand or control. And as I continue on this path, I’m discovering I can be okay not knowing, and embrace the mystery of God. Surrender truly is giving in … not giving up … it’s an inside job!

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Hope After Hurt

By Roxanne & Rob Maroney

Is your marriage a mess? Are you disconnected, struggling, or stuck even after counseling? Or are things between you and your mate too tidy or perfect but you’re wondering what happened to the adventure, the passion, and those feelings of your first dates?

If distance, distrust, and despair define your marriage and you just hurt too much to see any hope, read Hope after Hurt before you do anything else.

During their many years of teaching, coaching, and counseling, Roxanne and Rob have seen countless couples grasping for that last hope, perhaps like you, desperately trying not to give up.

But that’s only a small part of their story. In Hope after Hurt, Roxanne and Rob reveal not only how their marriage was rescued from becoming another casualty in the rising divorce rate but how they were set on the path to create something entirely new. They offer a transparent telling of how their early histories unknowingly haunted their marriage and their choices and how they dramatically changed their destructive path.

They open up about secrecy, lies, broken trust, loss of connection, and damaged intimacy. This is not just a story of two flawed people and their need for repair but also an honest account of more than forty years of healing using practical tools for greater connection and intimacy in marriage. Hope after Hurt offers hurting couples real-life examples and a roadmap to healthier relationships.

Connect with the authors Roxanne & Rob Maroney at EyeSight Coaching

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Look for more resources being released in the coming weeks to help you to discover and develop healthy intimacy in all your relationships.

FYI: We also provide one-on-one coaching, if you would like to improve your relationships, or you want someone to talk to, e-mail me at ‘rturner@transformingfamilies.org’, and we’ll schedule a time to connect. Our hope for you is that through these blogs, references, and resources, God will transform you from being bruised or broken to an abundantly blessed child of God.